I spent all day Friday knowing I needed help/support but refused to contact main T he caused so much more shame and embarrassed for me in session Thursday night. I felt like I made an even bigger mistake ever going to Therapy. I finally found the courage to call my original therapist(who I see every other week). The answering service answered and I decided not to leave a message. I thought perhaps if I called back on the top of the hour he would answer. He didn't. At 4:45 I emailed him just asking if he had time to see me that night and to call me. 45 min later(in traffic). I love his voice. We decided on a time that I we could speak. Not in traffic. He said to call, he would most likely not pick up but to stand by he would call me back. I waited 45 min....he never called. I was devastated. I went home in the worst shape. I sat on my feelings and emailed. He did email back letting me know it was ok to call him but at this point I shut down emotionally and the cocktail of drugs(ativan,ambein,flexeril)I took were taking effect.

I started packing up small things today for when I finally give up it would be less for my husband to deal with. Therapist can't help because in the end it comes down to you and yourself. I felt completely alone and worthless when I left his office Thursday. I felt like an a s s. I am just so tired. I don't want to see people. Talk to people or even be people.

God I wish there was a way not to wake up Monday. My damn head is so sore. I can't keep banging it.