I have done better today about eating. I had cereal for breakfast. I did not eat the day before I don't think. We were meeting friends for lunch, and I was feeling very fat. Nothing looked even sort of good so I wore sweats. I felt really disgusted and full of self-loathing, as well as frustrated, because I have been eating so little, and I felt I ought to be thinner.

I feel when I am fat, like people are repulsed by me, and think I'm a disgusting sow with no willpower. I don't know why, because I don't think that when I see someone fat....well, up to a point. There is a lady in town who is really, really fat, like three of me probably, and she is very nice, and I like her, but she smells bad, like BO and pee, and it freaks me out. I usually avoid her, and then I feel bad, because she IS nice. But like people who are fat, but not crazy fat....I don't really even notice it. My husband is not fat, but he is big kind of, and tall, and it isn't something that I really care that much about....unless the fat is on ME. Then, it's gross.

I can't even stand to see myself in a mirror naked. My thighs and butt are big, I have cellulite, and I have a gut kind of. My lower stomach is fat. My arms are kind of fat. The last time I got really skinny, I lost weight in weird places. My feet and hands were skeletal....my ribs stuck out, and my hipbones and shoulder blades. But I still had a big butt, and cellulite.

I wonder if constantly starving myself for twenty plus years has fried my metabolism. To where even just a little food will make me gain weight. The last couple of months, I've literally been refusing to eat 90% of the time, and I'm thinner, but....nowhere near where I would expect.

I've eaten well today, though.....cereal, milk, two slices of pizza and a salad for lunch. Of course, that was seven hours ago, and already I am beginning to feel my stomach, and I'm going to eat before I change my mind about it. I didn't do well with it this past week, several days I've eaten nothing or almost nothing, it is miserable but in some ways being hungry is so familiar and comforting.