I am finally exhausted. And sick. Last Thursday, I found out that I have a "small leak" in the mitral valve of my heart. The cardiologist was supposed to call me friday, but he didn't. I suppose that if it were really serious, I would have heard something by now, but I can't stop worrying. Every time I begin to have a panic attack, I **really, really, really, really*** think I might die this time. It is horrible.

On top of that, my mother and I drove from Texas to Arkansas in order to clean out my grandparents' house and to visit our extended family. We have never made a trip up here that did not result in a total emotional hurricane. Today was no different. I love my mother and father more than anyone else that I know. They are SO important to me. I am an only child, and my parents are the only real family that I have. I came up here to help my mom clean out my grandparent's house because I didn't want her to have to go through that alone.

I feel like an emotional whipping post. Everything I say is "too negative". If I don't say anything, then I am "not being honest". It feels like every breath I take is wrong somehow. We went to my cousin's birthday party today. It was a two hour drive from where we are staying. She yelled at me the whole way back. We are stuck in the same hotel room together. I have tried, and tried, and tried to get her to talk to me calmly and rationally. Nothing I say or do makes this better. I am not blameless; I am sure that I have contributed to this nightmare. But I really can't take it anymore. I am really thinking that in the morning I want to fly back home. That will be terrible, because I don't want to abandon my mother here. She won't speak to me for God knows how long..... But she will not stop being angry at me, and I am not even sure what I did wrong.... It is like this every single time that I can remember ever coming to visit these people.

I am never, ever, ever coming to visit our extended family again. They really aren't my family anyway. They are her family, not mine - she said so, and it hurt - a lot. I am so sad. I wish I knew how to work this out, I have thought and thought, and I just don't know what to do.....

I had coping skills. They weren't the best, but there was a time when I possessed some modicum of emotional resilience. Now I really can't take any more of this crap.