I know exactly what you are talking about. I did this with my husband also. It took me awhile to understand what he was trying to tell me. He handles his "flipping of the switch" as we call it the same way. Whenever the rage would start I would immediately ask him what's wrong and then get defensive when he refused to answer because I thought that meant it was about me. When I make him talk about it he has to "relive" it which in turn does as you said..adds fuel to the fire.

Things are better now than they were a few months ago. I have learned how to mostly handle him to avoid us fighting between ourselves although we fight plenty still. For me it's like being on a roller coaster that goes upside down and twists all around without a safety harness on. I'm on constant egg shells...having to be so careful about what I say and do so as not to set him off. I can't wait for his appointment so we can get him started on meds.

All I can say is that for me as the wife in the situation...I am exhausted both mentally and physically beyond anything I thought humanly possible. I am now on meds myself for depression as dealing with his constant battering takes its toll pretty hard. But the most important thing is I'm not giving up. He wants to control this disorder and I'm going to do anything possible to help him do that.

Thank you so much for giving me your perspective on things. It was helpful to know that we are not the only couple feeling exactly that way. The resentment is hard to work through but it's important that those feelings get resolved so they don't build. I hope that your wife listens to you eventually about how you need to handle your "off" days. A spouse to this disorder has to become a very active listener. Give her credit, though. She is still there which means she is still trying and when it comes to this disorder trying is equivalent to moving mountains with a dry leaf.

I would be happy to share perspectives anytime you wish.