[TW: DESCRIPTIONS OF DEATH]
Quote:
Originally Posted by George H.
If you have a large extended family maybe you can get a chance to talk with one of them. One of the advantages of having a big family and knowing a lot of people is that the law of averages means that your chances of having people you can connect with are a lot better.
It could get better when the crisis of the anniversary passes. I hope talking here helps. I get a sense that there is something about all this that you need to get out. You may not even be aware and if you are you might not know what it is. Some of us are really good at hiding or disguising what's at the core of our problems.
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I don't really have an extended family. I've been shunned by most of them. And it's okay, I suppose. It happens.
But what I've put in bold is right on. And I suppose since I can't verbalize it I can put it here and just rid of it. I don't think it should have been him. It should have been me. He had a good mind and a good heart. I am void of both. He could have done so much, and he died, alone, getting his meds. And I hate that I found him. Because I already knew he was gone. And I couldn't save him then. He just died. Alone. And I never said goodnight. I thought he'd be there the next day. And I try, I try so hard to remember him as he was but all I see is purple flesh and a cracked head and my mother screaming. It kills me. It should have been me, it should have been me, it should have been me.