Doc finally called me back to day in the 5 min I was out of area and left a message that basically she had trouble making calls and she would try and get another chance but if she didn't I would need to make an appointment. She also said couldn't I speak with the nurse about the issue? Yeah right. She sounded annoyed. I wrote her another letter as she won't be in until Tues and explained the whole ptsd response and what I had been through and I feelings of shame for having pain. Guilt, vulnerability as I have depended on her and she knows about everything about me. I simply asked her if based on what I was sharing if we could work together. She needs to let me know as I will not go to her unless she gives and afirmative.

I actually walked around with horrendous pneumonia for over a month this time of year once because I hated going to my then doc and hated the people in the office. I was so sick one night around the 23rd I had taken my daughter to a play and I almost passed out walking in the cold back to the car. I couldn't breath, I almost told her to get an adult to call rescue. Well, I guess it was the next day or so that I went to the Doc on call whom I like a lot and he saw me and diagnosed me. He is kind and gentle. He said my chest sounded like velcro. I sat up for three months and boy was my tush sore! Could not breathe laying down. Steroids are my friend.

Anyway, saw T today and she was as always wonderful. I spoke of the shame at having pain causes me. Weird huh that abuse could so wire me to feel shame for having pain and needing help?

Went to PT and now know concretely why I am in pain in various places. I went in thinking I was in no pain but as they asked me to describe different parts I realize I am always in some kind of pain. Validation goes a long ways.

Thank you all for your kindness and support, ahh, can you keep it coming?