Went to the Dr today. Told her about the auras I've been having and it scared her, she said. My feeling is that they've been warning strokes. Both my mom her mom died of strokes. She put me on Crestor and an aspirin a day plus some other medicines that I don't know the names of yet until I get the prescriptions filled.

Had some blood drawn and she wants me back in a month.

When I had the first different aura, it scared me. I have migraine auras without the pain but this was different. Ever since then, I've had a feeling that I wasn't going to be around much longer. I am scared! I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to linger!

I've "seen" my parents and the g-mother. Not inspiring at all! Why are they around me? Preparing me?

Something is driving me to write something to each of my grandkids. My first thought was to make it a Christmas gift, but now it's different; it's something for them to know who I was and that there was someone out there they didn't know that loved them and cherished them.

The fact that in reality, there's nothing left for me to live for, no purpose in my life, has been uppermost in my mind. Nothing I have, nothing I do, no one I know makes me want to go on. No one needs me. I've even told my personal provider that I want her to stick with me until the end.

My hope is that this is just depression and anxiety, but... I'm not sure. You that read this are the only ones that know my thoughts.

I would love to live another 20 yrs to give my estranged kids a chance to have a change of heart, to give my grandkids that I haven't seen in yrs to get to know me, but if it's God's will, I'm as ready as I'll ever be to go... just don't make me linger!!