I'm here and have been lurking, just been going through a deep depression. I feel like I am just spinning and unable to push through the disgust that comes with eating normally (for me, this means weight gain). My days are caught in this mental tug-of-war of wanting to make peace with food but not knowing how to make it okay....or even just finding the tolerance to sit with the self-hate I have when I eat. I am coming to a point of realizing that I am a chronic case and I will never be free of the mental trappings of this thing because something is broken in me...I am unable to feel love or any sort of compassion for myself, despite working hard on all of these issues in therapy.