I'm sorry this is long...but I've been "depressed" since I was 13, anxiety since I was 17, I am now 23. But over the past couple years I've gone through a lot and feel like I've somewhat had a personality change. I've been suicidal for a decade, I've felt sad and hopeless and alone, just like I do now...only it's different.. If I list some of the changes I've gone through, I'm hoping someone might read it and catch something I haven't...I'd really appreciate it.

1-Difficuly in forming my thoughts/feelings into words (especially when I experience "mental shut downs"..where something triggers me into a confused state of mind, and inside I know what I'm going through, but I become somewhat catatonic and unable to "figure out" how to move ***I DONT KNOW WHAT THIS IS? Help?)but i've also generally become socially awkward in speaking. I have a hard time writing as well (Writing used to be what I said I lived for) I even have trouble with messages to people, i spend minutes trying to structure the sentence..both because i second guess if it makes sense and because i worry about how it'll come off to people

2. social isolation/this symptom was insidious and weird. I felt like I was getting ostracized by everyone, when later I realized I was distancing myself without trying to..probably because I've never felt like people liked me..but I 'had friends'...then i lost them one by one, and feel like I'm both unable to ever become close to anyone, and have no desire to make the effort anymore.. my fear turned into literal loss of interest. Oddly, I've always been terrified of being alone..now I guess I feel it's safer..although I still yearn for companionship..if that makes sense?

2b i rarely make an effort to interact with people...and lack follow through when i do...meaning, i'll finally reach out...but ironically,
im less likely to respond to someone i reach out to than to someone who tries to talk to me...eg. ill message someone and say how've you been,etc...but the moment they respond, I get too much anxiety and I don't end up responding. Then I feel retarded.

3...this is the one hardest to explain and causes me the most distress..
my lack of initiative to do things? Until now, I was the type of person that always needed to be striving towards something...thats why i relied on creativity to make my life worth living. I would always feel best when writing, making a song, games, drawings, theories, everything...Now I've lost the drive and satisfaction even the idea used to give me..
i feel unproductive, i'm ancy and hate it, i can't seem to figure out how to start things....like...i can have an idea of something i want to do..but when it comes to starting it, putting effort into it...i feel i cant..and that literally is the worst depression I've felt.

4....its hard to explain and doesn't make sense..because i do suffer from intense anxiety and depression,meaning it affects the quality of my life way more than it used to...but its a way less....intense? I don't know how weird it sounds, but depression used to make me feel alive...now I feel I'm just existing, and I'm helpless to get out.