I'm not really sure how to start writing this. I feel like there's too much for me to type. Now I am not the sort of person to seek out any sort of attention or have anyone feel bad for me. This is the main reason I haven't tried to seek any sort of help or really talk to anyone. I'm too afraid people will judge me or immediately mark me as an attention seeker.

I guess my entire life (I am 20 years old) I've always felt a sort of emptiness. Like, I always thought other people just had something I didn't. I wasn't really abused as a child or anything that serious, granted I didn't have the perfect family growing up. My mom was 18 when she married my dad and still in college when she had me and my older brother. I remember going to her classes with her when I was a kid.

Anyway, she rushed into a marriage with my alcoholic father and had a total of four kids. I remember them fighting a lot when I was little but it never particularly bothered me. They have separated three times throughout my life and finally the third time was for good when my mom cheated on my dad about a year ago. Since then my dad has gone crazy with drinking and sleeping with prostitutes and God knows what else. I haven't talked to him in several months.

Now you may be quick to assume that this is the reason I'm upset but I assure you its not. I could actually care less about my parents relationship and what they're doing with their lives. This, you see, is the real reason I'm concerned. I feel like any other human being would be a wreck watching his family fall apart. It doesn't even stop at my parents. I don't feel confident in saying that I love anyone in my family or any of my friends, not even my siblings. I've actually had a girlfriend for over a year who I lie to every day when I tell her I love her.

Periodically I cut myself when I know that I can hide it until it heals. I don't tell anyone and I absolutely hate talking about it. Its very hard for me to type it right now. I'm pretty bad at opening up to people but I guess its easier when its on a keyboard. I've been to a psychologist twice per request of my mom but I didn't say much of anything important.

There's a lot more to tell but I've already written a short story. I guess I just want to know if there's anything wrong with me, and how can I fix it? I want to feel love but I just don't. Sometimes I feel so alone and depressed. Maybe there is some sort of medication? I really scare myself...