Christina ~

Oh I know that not everything is the fault of his bipolar. It is very easy to tell the difference between a manic episode and him just being pissed.

I have been doing extensive research on BPD as I have also wondered if this isn't part of the problem. The issue is that he has the symptoms of several personality disorders and I am trying to sort out which ones fit him best so that I can explain the best I can to the psychiatrist at his appointment. He does exhibit many of the symptoms listed for BPD so it is highly possible. I just won't know for sure until we can get a clear diagnosis.

I didn't know what he had when we first got together. His mother warned me about the issues he had but being warned and seeing them for yourself are very different. It took me a bit but I slowly began to realize what was actually going on as I heard stories of his childhood and early adulthood from his family and from him. He has been to psychiatrists before many years ago but just was diagnosed with "anger issues". Hardly helpful at all.

How has he handled life? Well....

He has never been stable. He was so hard to handle that his mother put him in juvie when he was 9. He has been in and out of jail and prison all his life. He is an alcoholic and recovering drug addict...mostly. His family have all told me that since we got together he is the most stable he has ever been. He is now slowly repairing his relationship with his family. He has burned a lot of bridges in his past. I think he just needed someone to listen and understand and no one before ever did.

Being a psychologist myself has given me a slight advantage in being able to deal with him but it is still incredibly hard. We handle it the best we can by trying to avoid the biggest triggers and keeping his stress level as low as possible which fails most of the time. Since I sat him down and talked to him about the disorder he has made a conscious effort to try to control his reactions. Sometimes he does...most times he doesn't. Our 7 year old actually has the greatest success in calming him down. He loves that girl to death and she can get through to him when no one else can.

I am aware that locking me out of the bedroom has little to do with bipolar. He is very practiced and extremely good at emotional blackmail and manipulation. He knows I hate sleeping without him so it's his favorite way to "punish" me. We have far more to work on than BPD, OCD, IED, or BPD issues. He has a very prison mentality as he spent over a third of his life locked up and being passed around between the three maximum security prisons we have here in Indiana. We are slowly working on getting him out of that mindset. It's a very slow process. They don't call them monster factories for nothing. But I have every faith in him that he can overcome these obsticles. He wants to and that's half the battle.

I do admit that I rarely get time for myself. Between him and my two youngest kids and all I deal with with my oldest daughter...I have little time for anything else. I barely get my school work done these days..never on time. Work is kind of my escape and even there I deal with the same thing all day that I do at home. I am..exhausted. The kids go back to school on Wednesday so that will give me a slight reprieve. I know I need to take more time for myself. There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day.

It isn't all bad. When he is stable he is extremely loving and caring. He takes very good care of me and is considerate and the most wonderful husband. He is a fantastic father to my kids and I'm so grateful that despite his mental and emotional problems my kids finally have the dad I always wanted for them. I love this man very much. Even as hard as it is to deal with all that he throws at me, I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world.