I think it can be hard to see what we take for granted, have been working around for years. I had trouble seeing my stepmother as abusive and couldn't even call her my "stepmother," she was my "mother" and my actual mother who died was????? I had no different name, because I'd merged the two. I worked in therapy for 4-5 years and got them unmerged.

But sounds like you have a "lump" like that called "father" whom you cover up with anxiety/crying/not remembering. My stepmother said and did some horrible things to me but I didn't see them as "abusive." I think if you untangle a few things they'll become clearer and the panic/crying/freezing will "melt." Neither my stepmother nor anyone else ever sexually abused me but I had a similar "no touch" rule, there can be lots of reasons for disliking/having trouble with touch.