I have been diagnosed w/ bipolar 1. I have had mixed episodes where I've been really depressed & agitated. When depressed I had suicidal thoughts (attempted a few times when I was younger); paranoid delusions about my husband hating me & wanting me to hurt myself; very low self-esteem; really really negative thinking;very self-conscious--thinking people were looking at me with disgust & that they could tell I was "crazy." I abused alcohol (in fact my first child was a preemie due to my smoking & drinking while pregnant). I now drink occassionally & moderately & have quit smoking due to being on the medication. I didn't need to self-medicate anymore.

When I was manic I was elavated; spent a bunch of money on things like an 800 dollar vacuum cleaner, gold-plated tweezers for myself & my daughter, clothes, books, etc. I would join every organization there was & volunteer to do many jobs that needed to be done. I even ended up on tv for one of my crusades & I'm basically a very shy person. There is no way I would normally be comfortable being interviewed on tv.

When I started on the anti-psychotic Abilify & Lamictal I couldn't believe what a difference it made. I was no longer having all the negative thoughts. I wasn't ruminating on my childhood (pretty bad with a bipolar/alcoholic mother who committed suicide & an alcoholic father who abandoned us). I was able to put all that in the past with a, yeah, it was a bad childhood, but I've got my own life to live now.

I also have ADD & anxiety so I take meds for those too.

I'm just feeling so much more rational, not so easily aroused into anger, hurt or sadness, but I'm not "cured." I had an episode in Aug. where I overdosed & I had been stable for about 5 years. My doc says with bipolar there is always a chance of relapse even when on the right meds & that I had let myself be hypo manic for about 5 mos. without reporting it to her (felt too good plus I didn't know I was going to crash into a painful depression). So my Lamictal has been increased & Trazadone added to help me sleep.

My husband couldn't believe the difference in my attitude. Before he was walking on eggshells cuz I could erupt into a rage from him just looking at me & I would perceive it as he was plotting against me. I used to get all irrational & run out in the middle of the night & go to bars just to make him worry. I guess to sum it up, I was thinking irrationally which made me act in a rash & irrational manner.--Suzy P.S. Because my mother had bipolar that was a strong indication that I might have it, too. It is very genetically based. Any history of that in your family?