Thanks everyone for your input. Well I was able to eat last night and today. Its amazing. I had hunger pangs. I don't know what to think, will it come and go or what? Also it does make me jittery and on edge and I can't sleep. I took ambien last night and it took over an hour for me to fall asleep and then I was up 2 hours later and I'm still up, feeling wired. On the other hand my mood has changed a little. I was able to do things yesterday and today instead of just sitting and staring. I considered trying to go back to work if I can find something close that I can take a bus to. My self esteem is still at zero though and I am afraid, but I considered it and looked at the classifieds. I started thinking about maybe once I have a job I can then get my car on the road again and maybe I can figure out a way to move out. Before I was just straight suicidal, I saw no way out. I am still down though and feeling like everything I try to do to help myself doesn't ever work. I feel like what is the use in trying to feel hopeful if everytime you turn around something else goes wrong. That has been my experience. Yesterday I went to see the therapist for the first time. I was hesitant about going for several reasons. I didn't want to bump into anyone ( I worked in the mental health field and I know the organization deals with that hospital), plus the hospital is just unprofessional and treats people that have to go to the clinic poorly. I sat there for one hour like an idiot and then finally asked what was going on, it turns out the receptionist never told the woman I was there. When I finally got to see her I told her that I was hesitant about therapy because I don't think it will help me because it can't change my situation. I said, but the DR. said I should come that it would help my depression and my boyfriend wants me to come also. She said, well its up to you its not up to anyone else so what do you want to do, should I close your case? I said well I was going to try it. So I told her what has happened over the past 2 years to make me have a complete breakdown and how I am isolated and sit in the house everyday and think that it would be better if I wasn't here. When I finished she gave me a sort of pep talk about being positive and changing my thinking and that I was the only one that could change things and when I was ready to change then I would but it would take a long time it won't happen overnight. Then she said well I know you really didn't want to come here so should I close your case. I said, well I was going to try to continue coming. So she said okay well why don't you take a few weeks to think about everything and you come back the first week of January. Ok, I just told her I was severely depressed and suicidal. Who cares if I was hesitant, why would you suggest to someone in that condition that you should not seek help if you don't want to? I felt like she could care less. I left feeling very down and feeling like once again something wasn't working out. I have been having such a hard time finding a doctor to take medicaid and that is why I am at that hospital. No doctors will take it. What do I do? Do I continue with this person who is clearly uninterested and just go anyway to vent? I felt hurt and dejected. My last therapist that I stopped seeing was just as bad. She was frustrated with me because I wouldn't look for work and because I was complaining about my situation and not trying to change anything. Meanwhile I was in the midst of a major depressive episode and talking about my death and she knew it because I told her. She told me I was looking for the easy way out. She also told me that there are people that have gone through even worse things than me and they still were positive. I told her that she doesn't understand depression. She said I have a PHD in psychology I do understand. The hell she did. (could I say hell?) Nobody has even suggested hospitalization (even though I wouldn't go), or disability, nobody has shown any kind of concern or interest. I could have went and killed myself by now the way I have been treated. I'm sorry this is so long I just need to tell someone what is going on and I have absolutely nobody to talk to and nobody who understands clincal depression and what it is like. If anyone would like to give me your opinion on the therapist or meds or anything please feel free but you don't have to because I know I babbled. Anyway, I needed to get that out. Thanks for your previous replys and support.

Bree Marie