I'm sorry you are hurting so much, and I think considering what you have been through it is "normal" to have the self hatred that you have. Surviving sexual abuse leaves many emotional scars, it is not your fault that you feel this way. I'm working on some self hatred of my own lately in t. Also (and I can't tell from your post if you are still with him) having a boyfriend who is verbally abusive will feed the self hatred also. For me I have had to surround myself with as many positive and caring people as I can in my life. It's a slow process of recovery, but things can get better. My t tells me that talking about and accepting the bad feelings without judgment (VERY hard to do) is the answer as opposed to pushing them away. That's what i tend to do.

Anyhow, I'm glad you have posted and hope you continue to post here. Take care of yourself, you are not alone.