I think the first two could be spot on. There is definitely a huge inconsistency between most compliments and what I was taught at home. My mom definitely does compliment me, but she does it solely for things I achieve that she can hang on her wall in her office. Not literally hang on her wall, but she complimented me when I got into my school, she complemented me when I did well in some big competitions, she complimented me when I got into festivals. I guess she compliments me when a third party recognizes me or she'll give me some super backhanded compliment like "wow! great job losing the weight. You almost don't look scary fat anymore" or something like that. She didn't congratulate me for graduating high school because she considers high school graduation to be a requirement and therefore not something worthy of praising. I probably deeply internalized that way of thinking that some things are just not worthy of praise so I don't feel proud of myself for not hurting myself and I certainly don't feel proud of myself for choosing to fight the sui urges instead of just giving up.

I also kinda feel like if I was someone deserving of any recognition, I probably would respect myself enough not to harm myself. That sounds like something that a stupid person would do. It's weird though because I don't consider other people who struggle with SI to be stupid by any stretch of the imagination. I think they developed a coping skill that doesn't really benefit them and maybe got addicted to it. That's just the way I view myself.

I also don't know if I take SI seriously at all actually. I have a hard time understanding why something I chose to do to myself hat makes me feel a little better is so wrong. Me choosing not to self harm feels only slightly more relevant than me deciding not to watch TV or something. It is different because there is more social stigma against SI than watching TV so I feel like I should feel proud of myself for not doing it... but I guess I just struggle to accept that it is inherently bad. If anyone can explain to me exactly why SI is wrong, I'd appreciate that.