Maybe I'll call a hotline. I just don't feel ready yet.I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.I can't control my thoughts and I think I'm becoming something even worse 'i was thinking about the posts on tumblr that say '**** you if you think sadness is beautiful'. Don't get me wrong, I don't think sadness is beautiful.I hate the way I think and feel. But I don't want to express it all in it's raw ugly form.I want to sculpt it into something that people won't shy away from.I want to create something that is real enough to make people think but restrained enough to keep them there long enough to think it.To cut the crap short I like writing.I'm embarrassed about it.I'm ashamed but I love poetry.I don't show anyone but writing poems helps me and It relieves me.To me this poetry that stems from sadness is beautiful.It's comforting and relieving and It feels like someone else wrote it.like I have a friend in the words.I also just love words.Words can be abused and used to hurt but in it's correct form language is beautiful. Does that make me some kind of hateful fraudster? is that what they mean? I don't know what anything means anymore.I don't know what I really think.I feel like I can't acsess my normal emotions and so I'm stuck with these uncontrollable feelings that someone thrust on me and I can't tell anyone because it's all unreal and wrong and confusing but I can't snap out of it.I can't stop myself thinking it and act normal.I feel like I should be happy but I'm stuck suffocating under a blanket that the world threw over me but I'm so scared and unable to let go that I'm pulling the blanket down myself.I want to stop suffocating myself I feel like I don't need our want to be this way but I've lost the ability to stop.Us this what everyone hates? Isit another reason tho hate myself? I'm just a whiny teenager but it's compulsive.how do I make it stop? I'm do ****ing selfish and narcissistic.I try to imagine a future for myself (it's hard) where everyone likes me..where I'm skilled and clever and confident.but their half dreams. It's like I can only achieve a birds eye view of someone else managing greatness.The physical form I see is an improved version of mine but the person isn't me.I'll never be them.I don't have the necessary greatness and good qualities.They're what younger me thought teenage me would be but there a stranger. yet still I'm selfishly hankering for love and appreciation like an arrogant bastard.Sometimes I think the only way for it all to relent, to be less hated is if I had sympathy.It's such and wrong but I wish I could show them all.make them care.make them see what they did.but then I stop myself.I'm overreacting.being a selfish spoilt brat that can't handle being a teenager.but I can't stop feeling it.I can't control the miserable ***** I'm becoming and that's partly why I want to leave. I wouldn't be missing anything, everyone would be happier, I'd stop being a whiny ***** and all it would take would be a few pained lungfuls of water or a few minutes of feeling metal echo through my skull.
sorry,i feel do selfish and pathetic sending this but I don't know what to do and I'm beginning to want out more and more.