June was one year since I lost my Taņo. Quito passed in January of this year.
The deal was that I was supposed to go with them. But I'm still here. I sometimes want to believe it's a cruel joke from the universe that I'm still here considering that I believe it would have been poetic justice for my life to end with theirs.
Apparently i have more to do on this earth. Probably more furry creatures to care for. I'm tired. There isn't anything that could top the joy I shared with Quito and Taņo. And i don't want there to be either. Even my plans to go volunteer with the Big Cats in Africa won't top it. But yes, it may come close.
We were together for 20 years. My longest relationship. My fur babies. I'm better. I don't cry every day now. And i miss them so much. It still hurts. I know time helps. There's really nothing to be said. Eventually I'll adopt again.
Like many of us, human friends are rare in my life. Animals have always just made more sense. I live alone. I miss their company. I miss the physical touch, petting, cuddling.
The end of a life is never pretty. It breaks my heart. I try refocusing to the happy memories instead of agonizing over the final heart-breaking days and the regrets and sorrow. I know to let the tears flow freely. That always helps.
Just wanted to write here about this grief.
There are four cats I feed outside. The youngest lets me pet her sometimes. I can feel the exchange of positive energy when I pet her. Sometimes I leave the front door open and put food a few feet inside. They'll cautiously come eat. It's precious to watch while I sit frozen still.
Just having another life form in my home feels so amazingly powerful and wonderful.
Thanks for listening. It is what it is.
(You can see an album of images of my boyz on my profile page if you like.)