Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
I suspect we each have our reasons coming from our own experiences. We've all experienced being hurt for reasons that had nothing to do with who we are. And we've all struggled or are struggling to keep that awareness alive in our hearts and spirits that we matter and deserve kindness and respect simply for surviving and continuing to thrive. Why should you be the exception?
Personally, I feel a lot of respect for you. You're tackling demons I couldn't look at until I was @ 12 years older than you. And I was mostly out of my parents' house and had some financial stability. And I know how unimaginable it was to me to think I could ever be happy. I was raised to see myself as ugly, incompetent, and worthless. Yet also expected to excel, much as it sounds like your mother expects. But never supported, always criticized.
And I look at my life now, far from perfect, but generally happy. And I know that is ahead for you, even though you can't see it right now. I just want you to give yourself the time for your life to unfold because it will be so different from how it looks right now. You just need to help it happen by taking the risk to accept that just maybe the thoughts that were put into your head don't define you; that maybe you do deserve care for all of who you are right now.
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I didn't really have the choice to wait 12 years more before dealing with them. When I was 18 years old, I just randomly stopped suppressing everything. I don't even really know what happened. I just started spontaneously remembering physical and emotional abuse that I experienced. Well, I didn't remember it because I never fully forgot about it. I just accepted that it was just normal punishment and criticism because my mom made it her mission to see to it that I knew it was my fault. She had me write her apology notes for being a bad kid after physically abusing me. But I got close to someone from a healthy family and it was very bizarre to me and I started re-evaluating my own family and little details kept resurfacing and all of these emotions came back. I don't know why I felt the need to say all of that. I guess I just got worried that people would think I was making it all up after I said I just randomly started remembering things. Sometimes I wish I never stopped suppressing it and I was still brainwashed by my mom that everything was okay. I wasn't happy but at least I wasn't having flashbacks and at least I never had to question if my mom loved me.
But for what it's worth, I still haven't self harmed yet. If only I could sleep. I have barely slept at all in over two weeks. I've gotten about 4 hours in the past 2 days and look at me now still unable to sleep. I'm sorry if I'm incoherent or rambling.