I'm not really sure where to put this, but I need to talk about it with someone, and my male t is not the person I want to talk about it with...

I have a history of sexual assault and sexual abuse prior to that. Lately, getting my period has been very triggering. I'm Not sure I'm comfortable saying how or what, but it makes me want to self-harm to rid myself of the body memoirs of the assaults. I feel like a freak. I know it's not normal, and certainly not healthy. I know if I self harm there it leads to more violation and triggering (and Pretty much a guaranteed hospital stay if I have to seek medical attention for it). But something about that is also comforting. I'm convinced it has to do with the childhood sexual abuse, because it was always done under the guise of *care*. I can't shake it tho. I know it was wrong then. I know it was not done out of any real caring, but a messed-up mind. I just still can't break that association. So even though I hate the feeling that comes with having to get help for the damage done, it also evokes that sense of being safe. How do you break that?
I'm trying to get back to the sa counseling center, but it's still something that's a ways away, and this is something I'm faced with struggling through right now... I hate it, and it's incredibly embarrassing. I don't know how to talk about it to a live person. And even having written it here, I want to delete my account... but at the same time I know I need to address it because it's ****ing up my life...