hi, i''ve been married for sixteen years and have 3 children, 2 are still at home. my 15 daughter also suffers from depression and anxiety and had to be hospitalized for seven months. my kids have been through a lot, suicide threats, a serious suicide attempt, episodes where i freak out, repeat my self over and over again, scream and cry, i've seen evil things in corners and screamed in terror. i've been physically and verbally abusive to their father, but he has to me as well.

it all came to a head in april, when my 15year old daughter started threatening suicide and to start cutting again. she couldn't take the constant fighting of my husband and i along with my suicide threats and episodes, because of her past of being in the hospital, if she was to self-harm in any way we would have lost both our girls to foster care. this was a very real threat. so the counselor and my husband and i decided that i should leave the home for a short time, to let everything cool down. I was gone for a week. it was decided that that wasnt enough and i had to go to a homeless shelter where i was supposed to stay till the end of may. i became suicidal there and ended up going to a residentail treatment center for 10 days, they still did not want me at home. so i went to visit my son in nyc for 6 weeks at the end of which time i was supposed to go home.

while i was visiting my son, my husband let me know that he was divorcing me in order to give the girls "closure". they believe that i was the abuser and that i was too stressful. like i said, my husband abused me too, but they see me as the bad one. obviously they want to stay with their dad.

i know i sound pretty horrible from my description but i really tried to be the best mom i could, my one daughter talks to me and seems to forgive me, but my other daughter wont talk to me at all. she hates me and told me that she wanted to kill me. this is the daughter that is mentally ill. i am worried for her that she has such violent impulses. she is very disturbed. i guess if i make her worse it is better for me not to be there. i guess if getting a divorce somehow makes her feel safer that mom and dad won't fight anymore and she can heal up and be stable, then that's what we have to do.

the thing is if it wasn't for the kids my husband said he would never divorce me. he would stay with me, keep his vows and continue trying to help me. i do not want this divorce either. i want my family.

i cannot tell you how painful it is to be seperated from hiim and my children. i constantly feel like i am dying inside. a mother should be with her children adn it is killing me. i

i am living with my family a couple states away and as i just started working i will not be able to take time off or have enough money saved to go see them until christmas.

when i first left and was at the homeless shelter in our town, i told my husband i was going to just come home, and he actually called the cops about getting a personal protection order on me. they said he could do it because id threatened suicide in front of the girls and i was a danger to their mental health. so, i guess i can count myself lucky that there isnt a restraining order against me.

i just can't believe this all has happened to me, even my suicide attempt was brought on because my husband was angry at me and i just couldn't take it and i am the bad guy here according to everyone. my husband hasn't worked for years, he is legally disabled, but now has got a job, AFTER I am gone because i made life too stressful for him to work. so for THIRTEEN YEARS I stayed with him and lived in poverty, and now he works. i have a real problem with the rejection i feel because of this. my father killed himself when i was seven and it just feels like no man has ever loved me enough to take care of me.

why do i want back in my marraige? well i miss him. we are best friends. he is the father of my children and no one else will love them the way he does. i miss my home. i miss my pets. of course i havent said it yet but i miss my children. i am lonely, so very lonely. i am living with my parents and my mother is supportive in her own way, but is also verbally abusive, at this time i cannot live on my own until i get some money saved up and even then i only can work a limited number of hours and still be eligible for medicaid, which i need to get my meds, they are over five hundred dollars a month, and i just couldnt possibly make enough money to do it. i don't even own my own car. i have nothing. i can't get a bank account because my husband closed our joint account and it was bounced, so i have to pay off money there before i can get my own checking account.

everyone has told me that i need to be strong and a good role model for my daughters, so that they respect me and so that they are not scared to live their own lives. i am trying my best to do that. i got a job, whichh is a huge step for me as i had severe anxiety about leaving my home and haven't worked in over thirteen years. i've even been brave enough to go out to eat and to a movie by myself, which might not sound like much but with the anxiety i had, it really is a very major thing.

i also have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, ptsd and anxiety along with the bipolar. the borderline personality diagnosis has helped me understand a lot more about myself and how i relate to people, why i am the way i am and how it affects other people. i wish someone had figured this out a long time ago.

i guess that's it for now. i haven't had anywhere to vent to as i haven't seen a counselor since may and that was before i knew my husband was divorcing me.

thanks for reading this far.