Long story... about a year ago I found out that my husband of 8 years had spent the last 6 years secretly going to strip clubs during some of the time that I thought he was working. He developed a relationship with one of the dancers which he told me was not in any way physical, but he acknowledged that it was an emotional affair.
He went to counseling and we worked on it a lot. He has been very accommodating about making sure I could be sure of his whereabouts at all times and has been generally trying his best to make amends. I have been having a really hard time trusting him, but have been making slow progress.
A month ago I told him I felt like there were still things he wasn't being honest about. He admitted that he had kissed this woman on about 5 different occasions. I appreciate that he is being honest now, but I am an absolute mess. It has been an entire month since I have not felt anxiety almost every waking moment... that low grade panic that you get before speaking to a room full of people. I don't know how to get past this. There really is nothing else he can do on his end, and if I want our marriage to work (which I do) I know I need to get beyond it. I can't kiss him without panicking. I can't watch any kind of movie or tv show that has anything to do with strippers, scantily clad wmen or even kissing without feeling like I am going to throw up. I can't concentrate, I'm snapping at our kids and I am generally miserable. I can't afford therapy right now. My insurance won't cover enough of the cost. It is like I have some weird form of PTSD... flashbacks, panic, triggering situations and thoughts... I just want my life back. I want to be normal again. I feel so completely awful about myself... I can hardly stand to go outside. Anybody have any words of wisdom? Am I making too big of a deal out of what he did? Is there a way for me to get beyond this and reclaim my life? Help please.