Thanks for answering everyone. I sent him another email last night (figured I have nothing to lose) and held my breath. I asked him what was going to happen in September because that is the only thing that is keeping me going.

He did respond (again, more tears) and told me that we will sit down, discuss where I am, what I want from therapy with him, and then maybe continue working together.

It is horrible knowing that the one person that knows more about me, inside and out, than anyone else is distant. Never have I opened myself up to someone that much, and I never will again.

I can't talk to someone else......I've tried, but the surface me won't let them get in - too much pain. If I could take the time, I would go into the hospital again for a week and keep myself protected.

I'm trying to hang on till September. I may not have a job come July 11th and if that happens, the bottom will fall out for me again. It will be the last straw - I will have failed again. In the meantime I can feel the darkness moving in.

On a different note, although with the same theme, I haven't seen my parents in almost a year - not by my choice. Ever since my mom hurt herself last year falling off a ladder, then the flu, etc. she has refused to let me see her. I could care less what she looks like, I just want my mom. I talk to her, but it isn't the same and it isn't like she is young anymore. Her health is bad and if something happens to her too................

I am just such a ray of sunshine these days.......[sigh].