I SH as a teen. Though, not the same trigger, I feel I've something to add to this, that I may, actually identify with, not in the sh, aspect, but in the periods triggering some really intense emotions.
I went through many years, during my marriage, I'm now many years divorced, but every time I would get my period, I'd get really depressed and feel like a part of me was dying on the inside. I truly was beginning to worry about all kinds of things, such as pmdd, etc, etc. On this side of everything, after having had a couple years on an AD, having been divorced and really listening to my body. I realized what was triggering that.
My exh, seemed so in tune, as to when I was getting my period. That he was cold, mean, cruel, neglectful, on and on and on. That, it was literally breaking my heart and breaking my faith in my marriage. It seemed like he blamed me, for something beyond my control.
And so, after that was said, and done. And I was no longer married. No longer, on an AD. I realized, that was what was going on with me.
I really don't know, if that can help you out or not. But I wondered what you worried about sharing, and if anything, I somehow, seem to feel that I know what you mean, about not wanting to share the whys and hows of your own trigger.
I'm so sorry, that he did that to you, hun,
He had no right, whatsoever!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by MdngtRain
I'm not really sure where to put this, but I need to talk about it with someone, and my male t is not the person I want to talk about it with...
I have a history of sexual assault and sexual abuse prior to that. Lately, getting my period has been very triggering. I'm Not sure I'm comfortable saying how or what, but it makes me want to self-harm to rid myself of the body memoirs of the assaults. I feel like a freak. I know it's not normal, and certainly not healthy. I know if I self harm there it leads to more violation and triggering (and Pretty much a guaranteed hospital stay if I have to seek medical attention for it). But something about that is also comforting. I'm convinced it has to do with the childhood sexual abuse, because it was always done under the guise of *care*. I can't shake it tho. I know it was wrong then. I know it was not done out of any real caring, but a messed-up mind. I just still can't break that association. So even though I hate the feeling that comes with having to get help for the damage done, it also evokes that sense of being safe. How do you break that?
I'm trying to get back to the sa counseling center, but it's still something that's a ways away, and this is something I'm faced with struggling through right now... I hate it, and it's incredibly embarrassing. I don't know how to talk about it to a live person. And even having written it here, I want to delete my account... but at the same time I know I need to address it because it's ****ing up my life...
|