Haven't been posting or reading much. Just felt really down and withdrawing. I wasn't particularly in a good place before but after finding out I have a child on the way, I am stressed over it. I can't seem to get the feeling of being a complete failure out of my head, and that I feel incapable of being able to cope with being a parent. People say that it is a gift and one of the things that keeps them going. Maybe in time I will get that, but from this side of it, I feel impending doom and trapped. I know it is just my own negativity and own issues at the source of this.

I can help but feel a like my spouse ignored my wishes after we talked about this issue and both deciders to wait. I thought she was on birth control but after a month she stooped taking them. I feel like she walked over me to get what she wanted. Not sure how to even bring it up, since I am in a spot now where there isn't much I can do. I try to act excited about it and some part of me is. At the same time I feel depressed, from issues that extend past this and often times not sure if I would choice to live if given the choice. I'm not saying I am ready to end things right now, I am just saying I'm not happy with life.

It puzzles me as to why she would want a child with me, someone who months earlier told her I thought about dying pretty much on a daily basis. Then the issues of her faithfullness to me makes me wonder if I am even what she wants or if I am just filling a role for her. A provider and someone to solve her problems. Maybe those acts were out of her self defeating nature, I dunno but things from my end don't feel very good. A few months ago I was sure if I wanted to stay in it. I think the main thing that made me stay was the time spent in the relationship and the feeling that without someone in my life I would be more likely to be wreckless and self destructive. Having her that does act as a buffer and I think about things more.

Right now I just have feelings of sadness and hopelessness. That feeling like this is all there is. I rationally know I will feel better one day and maybe even soon, but that thought doesn't bring a lot of comfort right now. I just have a sort of malayse that makes just want to sit and do nothing. A sort of apathy where nothing really matters, whether I live die, stay or leave. That regaurdless everything is the same in the end and choices have little effect on happiness. Rationally I know that is delusional and choices make all the difference in the world, but I am stuck with my rational thoughts and emmotions pitted against one another. I could just rely on doing what seems reasonable and logically, but that alone seems much like an empty existence. The opposite side of the coin is to do what I feel like I should, but that is skewed for me and quite often I feel like self destructing. I think doing what is good for me lies somewhere in the middle, but it is difficult to navigate what is reason vs how to feel when the two have such stark differences.

I feel worthlsess, useless and like I shouldnt exist. I know that isn't the truth and I have a wife and a future child that rely on me to do my part for them. I often time feels at am impass with myself. I sort of stalemate that leaves me unsure of what to do except feel immense sadness and wanting to do nothing. Desiring to withdraw. Not to die, but not really living either. A parrelel in life for the emmotionak stalemate I often am under.

Not sure what I am looking dor. I think mostly I am thinkng outloud. Maybe a lightbulb will click eventually and I will understand the meaning behind all of it and find my place in the world. As of right now I try and battle the contant emptiness I feel. Telling myself there is more and one day I will find it. Time only seems to add to the hopeless feelings.