I met my husband 13 years ago. I was diagnosed bipolar 10 years ago. He did not know as I was ashamed. I stopped the meds when I felt fine. I had an episode about 8 years ago, again with meds all came right and I flew solo.

I hit a manic stage and formed an emotional online bond ( purely platonic ) with another man - we met me recently while staying at a friends house ( we exchanged email addresses).

The guilt is unbearable.

My husband being the genius that he is, figured out the online "affair" and was completely gutted. I have never hurt anyone emotionally. Hurting him - killed a part of me.

He says he understands why the "affair" happened and has forgiven me. He is my first and only love. I have never had another partner.

I have been to a psychiatrist twice and have been on meds now for 2.5 weeks having changed the course once.

I can not forgive myself for what i have done. He deserves better. I am emotionally distancing myself. I feel it will be a matter of time that he decides that he can't forgive me, and decides to leave me. ( can you say abandonment issues?)

He has been diagnosed with depression after this episode.

So it is quite entertaining at home... He has done so much research on being/coping with/meds of bipolar and is 100% committed to saving our marriage.

The problem is I have only felt manic and depressed. I know I have to come to the party and do damage control. I have a very demanding job and that is the only thing I have strength for at the moment.

I have a desire to be alone - because I don't want him to see me sleeping and weeping the whole time. It is so pathetic.

I hope the meds will lift my mood soon - I just want to be my old self again. My psychiatrist said i will probably have to take epilim (mood stabilizer) for the rest of my life to prevent such an episode - I am fine with that.

I believe my husband hates me, and that I am a burden. He says this is not true.

I am pushing him away every opportunity - need to stop but somehow I can't