Thanks, anneo. The main problem that I have to solve is that, since becoming permanently unemployed, I am alone way too much. The nature of the job loses that led to me getting on disability were emotionally traumatic. I feel rejected and that I am no longer of much value. Other rejections happened, also. Now, except for coming to PC, I am afraid of people. I expect that involvement with people is just going to lead to more pain. I'm becoming frozen in this state of mind.

I certainly do have to re-invent myself. I can't seem to get past expecting nothing but failure. It's awful. I can't logic my way out of this mindset. That's why I haven't been interested in getting therapy. Counselors just want to find "logical" solutions. I know how to be as logical as anyone. How I feel is not logical. I have no interest in arguing about it with a counselor. I've even thought of hiring someone to visit me for a few hours a week . . . like a home health attendant. I'm not that old and don't need home care. I just wish there was some person that could sit with me now and then. I think it would help me get over the fear of people. My next door neighbor got into the habit of making sarcastic comments about me being "crazy." That's a lot of the reason why I feel desperate to get out of my apartment where I now live. I hate opening the door and even having to walk past someone who has said mean things to me. I never had this happen to me anywhere else that I lived. Even the property manager made a sarcastic remark about my mental state. I reported a problem on the property. At first, he didn't believe me. Then he said that he found out that I was not as "crazy" as he had thought. I feel labeled here and that I have no privacy, with people monitoring what I do.

I don't have any history of paranoia. People here do watch to see if my blinds and drapes are closed and for how long. Then they comment on that. It's like I live in a fish bowl.

Thanks everyone for listening to my problems.