Last week was good. I was active and positive.

This week not so much.

I am not even sure why.

I wonder if it's my bipolar. Must I have the ups and downs so close together and with the ups lasting for such little time?

I thought part was feeling weighed down with some crap I've been dealing with with a phone/internet company. So I took a close look and made notes on last couple of bills and called. No one was available. It helped some to face it but maybe I need the completion to have the weight lift.

The other is with my bf. Just keep fighting negative thoughts about him and thoughts I assume ? or know ? he has of me. I keep wondering why he is with me if he thinks such neg things about me. And I'm sure I can ask myself the same about him probably.

This is the first relationship for me that has really made me stretch as far as I have with things like letting things go for now and seeing how i do/think many of the same things I think he is doing/thinking.

I've chosen to not end it, not just yet. The dynamics in this relationship challenge me a lot. Not necessarily really in any bad way. Just challenges me.

When I try to write about it it gets lost. I lose the words to express. But I feel this angst in my mind a lot.

Partly I think too is I feel lonely. My kitties died after 20 years together and it is still hard not having them around. I think that may be a larger part in all this. but i don't know because when they were here the only dif was i wasn't grieving them. i still struggled with energy and all that. it certainly doesn't help though to miss them so much.

and i'm kinda home-bound because i don't have a reliable car and i live between some hills so to get to anywhere is a trek. trying not to make that an excuse. but maybe that's what i'm doing.

I spend the weekends with my bf and we have a good time. Then I'm home Mon-Thurs. We live 60 miles apart. I don't have any real friends. noone i hang out with. i was going on sierra club hikes when my car was working. now it's too far and ends too late to feel safe on bike or bus. I hang out here on PC or when I have energy go on my rides or walks. Just don't have energy this week.

I almost hope this weekend with bf is cancelled so I can just sit in this blah awhile longer. You know, I think part is also that I just don't believe my bf likes me which I know is silly because he does things that say he likes me like inviting me to visit on weekends and cooking and thoughtfully choosing activities for us.

Maybe I'm just sad too because if this relationship is "it" then there is a loss. I thought I'd be with someone more affectionate. But I have to see his affection-handicap as not a personal thing but that it says something about him. But I need/want affection because it tells me that everything is ok. So I am challenged to feel like all is ok without the affection. I don't know if that makes sense but I do wish he was more affectionate and more self-aware and more expressive in words and and and....

There's no one perfect. Noone that will love me as I deserved as a girl. I think that is a lot of the angst. I've been letting go of this fantasy that will NEVER happen. That someone will give me that beautiful love that I never got where I'll feel so peaceful and important and special and perfect and wonderful and secure... I've always said that that window of opportunity came and went with my parents. That was a love that was supposed to be given to me when I was a girl. It wasn't. And it never will be.

And so I have to learn to appreciate what IS present today in my adulthood. The attention he DOES give me. The affections he DOES give me. The energy he DOES give me. The tenderness he DOES give me. When I feel that from him I want to see it as the gift that it is. Instead of enjoying it for the moment and then wanting more more more...

How do I do this? How do I stop craving something that I'll never get, that I never got? Yeah yeah, I'm supposed to give it to myself. And my reply to that is how in the hell am I supposed to give it to myself when I don't even know what it looks/feels/tastes/sounds like because I've never had it??!

I've been breaking thru a wall that has kept me blind to how things that I did as a girl to cope helped me then ...but doesn't help me now as often.

Like I analyzed everything to make sense of the insanity. I even studied psychology. Now I see how that while it still has its place, it's not as helpful as often as I'd thought. so i've been practicing being in the moment and letting things go and not having to talk about everything immedidiately and just choosing peace regardless.

And I used to feel so hurt and take so much personally because as a girl that is exactly what was happening. There was a lot of hurt and a lot that was personal. But now as an adult, it seems that that isn't the case as often as I've thought.

There are habits in actions or feelings that I got so used to feeling. And when I was a girl they were exactly right. Not that they aren't right for now but rather that i'm not the victim anymore. i feel like a victim a lot still. another habit. i feel sad a lot. another habit. i feel defensive a lot. another habit. i'm anxious a lot. habit.

how do i get better unstuck from the girl habits so i can enjoy what's left of my life?

how do i break from victim mode and scared mode and anxious mode and "you don't love me" mode and "i'm hurt" mode etc etc etc?

and my therapist had serious surgery end of july so she has been busy healing.

and my parents are coming next week and i'm trying to stop the anxiety that is habit and choose peace and strength.

i'm afraid i'll fail. and then it will be bad because i'll get depressed and won't be able to see them and my dad won't help me get a car and they'll be furious and my life will feel like it is over. and bf will look down on me and that will end.

OR
i will stay in the center and strength that i've been able to experience and it will be hard but i will see my parents who i haven't seen in decades and i won't choose agony and sorrow over what never was. i'll choose to see things and them as they are. two people who raised me who did a lousy job and despite it there have been and are good things in my life. my kitties are the top of the list. they center me. they are all i need. i will choose to accept that this was the life i was born into. imperfect. difficult. handicapped with brain sensitivities. but it IS the ONLY one i have. they gave me life. they tried to take it away with all their dumping of their ****. the best revenge is success. THEY want me to be miserable and depressed and sad and defensive. that is THEIR game. not mine. that is the dance THEY know and inflict. NOT MINE. My dance is with my eyes closed feeling the music and dancing barefooted with me... THAT feels so sweet.