When I had feelings that you describe I found out from my doc that it was paranoia associated with the depression. The antidepressants and anti anxiety meds took away those feelings. I'm not saying that what you are sensing isn't true because our instincts are often correct. If you can somehow recognize where the paranoia begins and ends maybe you will be able to accurately gauge what is going on. When the depression isn't controlled it makes our thinking cloudy and sluggish( at least for me).
Try to get help for your depression and then see more clearly how things are for you .
None of my business but maybe you should take some time off from relationships until you are more settled. How can you be in a relationship when you don't know yourself. Your expecting a lot from yourself since you have had such a bad childhood. Just my opinion.ou
I hope you feel better soon.