My 29th birthday is coming up in a little more than a week.

People ask me if i have any plans or want any presents. I say "i don't know", but truthfully I just want to spend the entire day in bed, unconscious [NOTE: my birthday is one of the few times I'm glad I don't have access to pharmaceutical depressants...cause...yeah we all know were that road leads].

All I feel is anxiety and despair when I think of my birthday.

I realized I'm locked in cycle of fear and disappointment. In the past I'd try to organize a party, pub crawl, day trip to the beach, group dinner, etc, but they were always disappointments/failures. I'd invite 30 people, 6 would show up-2 would show up-no one would show up.

So I just stopped trying. I can't even describe the feeling of knowing that all these people know its my birthday, have received their invitations a month in advance, and yet...barely a handful will wish me happy birthday, and lesser amount will show up to the event.

Its such a heartbreaking, traumatic feeling; its your birthday, and no one shows up to the party you had to plan yourself. I'm tearing up just remembering that feeling.

So my 29th looms ahead, I don't want a ****ing thing. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want stupid, pithy, happy birthday posts on facebook, nothing.

My husband keeps pestering me, says I need to do something, anything, so I acquiesced to sushi or Thai food. I figure if I have to commemorate 29 years on this miserable planet, the least I can do is eat something I really like, that I don't have often.

So I told him sushi or Thai for my birthday dinner, and instead of saying "ok", he responds with "well, those are kind of expensive, would you be happy with Chinese take-out?"
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No I would not be happy with Chinese take-out, and since my small request has yet again proven to be a burden to someone, lets just forget the whole birthday thing, please.