My pdoc started me on trileptal two weeks ago but I never filled the script because I didn't have the money for it. Today my T in the program said she is concerned about my behavior and mood because I'm so hypo. She made me promise to get and take the trileptal. But I don't want to take it. I'm scared of losing this good feeling. I feel now like the abilify was keeping me down, depressed, because when it got out of my system I felt normal. I feel like I don't need mood stabilizer because I love hypomania although it seems to be heading toward mania for me. I started seein things from the corner of my eye again (this only happens to me while manic so even though it's not a full on hallucination I know it's related) and I have felt like people are following me when I'm walking in the woods. I guess I should take the trileptal to stave off full mania but I'm so afraid it will put me back into a depression. I can't take the depression!

I just love mania so much until it turns on me. Maybe that's when I'll realize I need the med. maybe I should just take it now so it doesn't turn on me.

I just hope I can enjoy a few more days.