Oh, I'm specifically putting myself down, I know that; its a long, LONG standing issue with myself.

But yes, some intangible part of me feels "wrong" to want special things just for me. I don't deserve nice things, I take too much already, expensive food IS a waste of money when that money could be better spent elsewhere, I don't need the calories because I'm fat enough already, its unfair to my husband because he doesn't even like sushi/Thai, etc etc.

I can spend all day coming up with all manner of self hating/martyr-complex excuses as to why I should deny myself.

Sometimes I worry that its not depression and anxiety, but maybe I'm just a bad, manipulative, sociopathic person. These...self denial exercises I like to engage in; why? Why do I do it? I know its for sure one part self-loathing, but I fear the other part stems from a mercenary victim-complex. Like, oh boohoo, people have been mean to me so I'm going to cry and make you (disembodied you) feel guilt/pity.

Oh god, I truly hate myself. Even posting on here, I feel like I'm manipulating everyone into caring about me when I feel like its not deserved.