I seem to have a three year emotional cycle. 2006 my grandfather, who I was extremely close to, passed away. I did not mourn. I had many nightmares of him coming to punish me for it. Three years down the line I just collapsed in a blubbering heap and for months I mourned for him. I have a shrine to him now, and I fast on his birthday and death day to remember him. At that time, I was extremely emotionally unstable so I can understand my mind blocking it until it was ready to cope.
Three years ago a friend of mine was killed in an accident. At one stage we were extremely close, but life happened and we drifted apart. Whenever we ran into each other it was as if we had never been apart. But we never kept properly in contact. About a month ago I had a dream and he was the main focus of it. I woke up crying and couldn't stop. Throughout the day I will remember him many times and cry. I feel terrible. I feel angry about him dying. I feel guilty for not reacting when it happened. I feel guilty for not going to his funeral. I am sad and crying most of the time now and it makes no sense. I know this is kinda creepy, but I can remember his smell, his laugh, his mannerisms, the way he spoke. I am battling to get through it. Mostly because I can't make amends to the dead. And I can't really discuss it with anyone because they will think I am completely off my rocker. It is affecting my everyday life.
How do I process this? How do I get through this when I can't tell him anything?