thanks, yeah...I told her that I knew I needed something more...but the IP here was NOT it. Last time I was there I left more suicidal than when I went in -- and actually started talking to a counselor about feeling quite suicidal...and she got called out by a nurse. I got discharged that afternoon.

The ONLY thing this place would do is a medication adjustment. I know I shouldn't, but I almost just want to increase the dosage as it is...on my own...knowing that's just what the doctor would do.

Anyway, I promised my T that I would NOT take more of my anxiety medicine than prescribed and that I would dump all the alcohol that we have -- those were things she didn't even ask, I just offered. She thanked me for that...and I think it helped her realize that I will do what I have to in order to stay OUT of the hospital. Yes, I am utterly depressed...and yes, some of my thoughts are scary...and yes, right now I am alone (kids are with their dad), but I am NOT going to act on the thoughts.

I have to call psychiatrist office tomorrow morning and tell them that my suicidal thoughts have increased in intensity...my fear is they'll just say "go to the ER." Yes, that will get a quick medication change, but it will also cause a lot more stress -- I am in school...so everything that is due...or coming due...will get delayed...and a new semester starts Aug 19th. Life is too busy for hospital right now.

Yes, I think something that focuses on the eating stuff and/or trauma would be beneficial for me...but I don't see that as a possibility...i have bad insurance...and even when I had better insurance, they wouldn't approve me for a trauma program. eh. i just have to make due with what I have.