gayleggg,

Thanks for you understanding. It does help to know I am not alone.

avlady,

I agree that medical professionals can only do so much. I have to want to get better and not give in the urge to mire in my own despair. I do take meds and talk to my T. The last fews weeks I haven't been to therapy as I didn't feel up for it. I did make an appointment for next wed. It isn't that I don't want a child. Me and my wife tried to have one a few years ago and it never happened. Then around October my depression started to get worse. A few months later I opened up to my spouse about how I was feeling and we agreed to wait on the child, go to marriage counseling and I would get professional help. I just fear I will be unable to cope with my own issues to the point where I won't be a good parent. I know there have been times were I have felt the physical symptoms really bad. Confusion, lack of thinking clearly, fatigue, exhaustion. Sleeping 18 hours a day when things are bad isn't a rare thing for me. I couldn't do that with a child. Maybe thing wont get bad or maybe this child will be the light of my life. It is an unknown for me right now, and that troubles me. I feel like an awful person for not fully committing myself. I feel selfish and that also brings feelings of guilt and angry at myself.

H3rmit,
I do feel betrayed by what she did, but I don't think it was an intentional power play for her. I think it was her own issues that may have led to her decision not to renew her birth control or perhaps she gave up hope that she could have a child and didn't think it was necessary. I remember when she told me, she was almost in tears. Like she made a mistake. I tried to reassure her that I was happy, and at the time I was. Quite often I have mixed feelings and am unsure of what I feel until later. The thought and realization of what a child means to me weighs heavily on me and I realize that I don't feel confident with my ability to manage my own issues and the added responsibilities. I feel as if I have my back to a way and a ticking clock to get myself in a place mentally to prepare for it. In my mind I have no choice but to be there for the child, because I know anything else and I could not cope with myself. Doing anything besides what I feel is right would lead to a lot of guilt that would consume me.

Nobodyandnothing,
I don't intend on intend on taking this out on my child. I too often blame myself and internalize my anger. I feel it would be much more likely I would take it out on myself before anyone else. I should be upset with my wife for not being honest with me about her birth control. I don't blame her for wanting a child, but I do feel anger that she didn't discuss it with me and she lead me to think she was going to wait.

Idiot17,
Thank you for the compliment on my posts. I believe her view is different. I doubt she feels like she betrayed me. I haven't talked to her about how I feel. My therapist's voice is in my head telling me that is what I should do. I have reluctance to do so. For the fact that the child is in there and is going to happen. Stopping it would destroy her and I couldn't have that on my conscious. I would feel really horrible about myself if I even tried. I doubt I could look at my child without feeling tremendous guilt. I feel like even bringing it up will lead to no positive outcomes for me. I may feel better that I told her how I felt, but the backlash from the other possibilities far outweigh the benefit. I do think she loves me. I think what she did when she had her online romance wasn't out of malice for me, but more of her own psychological issues and self sabotaging herself. Maybe her lack of self esteem or guilt from something lead her to try and ruin things for herself.

Gracez,
I do have a therapist. I feel comfortable in talking to her. It will be difficult but I think I can manage to start the conversation. She is very helpful at times. Sometimes I do find myself withdrawing from her though. I am trying to fight that urge as I made an appointment next week after not seeing her for about a month.