I really really want to never come back here again, but I know that isn't possible at this point. I know that I'll have to come back here again someday.

I'm worried that even if I did manage to become financially stable, I would still be unable to break away from her. I am scared to tell her that I don't want to speak to her again. I'd probably do it via snail mail to be the most safe, but I'm worried that she'd find a way to sue me or something. Technically, my dad wrote the checks to buy my instruments. None of them are insured or anything because individually they aren't horribly expensive and if I managed to find all of the receipts for them, there would technically be no evidence that they were the ones that paid for them. But I'd have to delete the records from my dad's email and I can't get into that.

I don't know if they can do that. They don't care about anything more than money, even if it isn't a horrifically huge amount. If I were to die tomorrow, my mom's reaction would be that she was angry that I put her in the situation of being locked into paying rent on my apartment. Being upset that I was gone would be a secondary response. There is nothing more valuable to them than money and I do know that if I tried to break away, they would come after me probably using money because that's how they are controlling me now. The only thing they could do would be to come after my horns and I can't handle that. I can't lose them. That is my trade. if I don't have them, not only would my professional life come to a halt but I would lose my entire identity, self worth and sense of purpose. I'd have to have at least enough money to buy the instruments from them if they attacked me. We're not talking about an absolutely ungodly amount of money, but it would take me forever to earn/raise enough money to get them back.

Thinking about actually breaking away from them makes me feel so trapped and afraid that I don't know why I'm bothering with fighting to stay alive. I feel like I can't escape and if I have to live under their control for the rest of my life, then I don't want to live at all.

I know that I will figure out how to do it. Well, I don't know that I will, but I know I have to hold on for the hope I have that I will figure this out.