When people we love die, we are going to act in a variety of ways. And sometimes our minds tell us that one way is good, and another way is bad. Unless you're hurting yourself or others, non of it is bad.

Delayed reactions with death are completely normal. Since you were close to your grandfather, you were probably in a state of shock for a very long time. When my grandfather died in 2004, I shut down completely, and I don't even remember 2004 at all. It was after that year that I started working through my own grief.

My brother died almost a year ago (august 11th) and it destroyed me. It is still destroying me. "You cannot make amends to the dead", no, you can't, but you also can't focus on what you CAN'T do. Because then you end up like me, stuck on a loop that you can't seem to break. It's normal to be angry, resentful, upset. A lot of people do not go to funerals, and it's okay if you didn't go. Maybe having your own memorial day for him will help you? I know having days like that for my brother make grieving an easier process.

I wish you well and send you all of my regards.