I am really sorry to hear the way you are struggling. I can very much understand how these thoughts can shadow all that we do and how we navigate through life (I tend to think I had better enjoy doing such and such since it could be the last time--morbid). I hope things are not as dark for you today. I dont know why the long break in therapy for you, but sounds as though you really need that connection and to get more support. Whatever reason you tell yourself not to call-ignore it. You need to call and set up an appt, or call anyways, even if you think you will be guarded about how you are really feeling. Hugs- pt