Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing
I am much bigger. My mom couldn't hurt me if she wanted to. I'm much bigger and stronger than her.
I know you're right. I know that bruising a kid is abuse. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I just bruise easily so I start hitting myself to see. I don't think I bruise super easily but I'm still not convinced. I don't know why I can't just accept that I was abused and move on with my life.
But I am about 4-5 inches taller than her and I weigh more too. Trying to hurt me now would be stupid on her part. I don't know why I'm still scared
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I'm glad to hear that you're bigger than your mother!
When you have enough of the right support, you will feel safe enough to be able to face the abuse you suffered. And then, slowly, you'll be able to let it go.
Right now, your strength is tied up with minimizing and rationalizing to protect yourself. And that's OK. But it's a brittle strength. Eventually, you'll find a deeper emotional strength by cultivating kindness toward yourself, perhaps as you learn to trust in the kindness of others, like your T.
For now, the feelings are strong, but they are your childhood feelings. Use your adult awareness to reassure yourself. It's OK to have the feelings--you can't and probably shouldn't silence them--but just also reassure yourself that they represent the past, not now. Now you can protect yourself.
