This is such a hot topic as many people have strong opinions. First, I agree that deceiving your wife in this way is wrong and is a recipe for disaster. Don't get me wrong, I have no moral objections agains an 'open marriage,' but your situation is not set up for that. You've already cheated. Also, your wife is in pain so maybe she would agree to it--but due to guilt or some other emotion--that is not conducive to a healthy 'open marriage.'

I'm probably more uncomfortable talking about sex than the average person, but I would suggest that you talk to your wife about other ways to relieve your sexual tension. My physical relationship with my husband has changed in the past two years (ED, my increase in sex drive, other things) and the most courageous thing I've done is to be more open about what I need. We're still a ways off from getting things right for both of us, but it is evolving in a positive way. Maybe sex is painful for her, but that doesn't mean you can't offer back-rubs, cuddling, etc. to make her feel physically good.

Likewise, if you explain to her in a non-judgemental way that you need sex, please explore role-play, sex-toys, and other ways for you to have sexual release that don't involve pain for her. Do you think there is anything wrong with this?

One other thought is to explore sex therapy. I have never done this so easier said than done, but maybe there is something to this.

It just seems like 45 years is too much to toss away without trying something else.