First of all, I hate the Salvation Army and we don’t have a local one here, none of my close friends live in this location, I have absolutely no family members that I am remotely close to physically or emotionally. The only place I could go is over 600 miles from here, including if I called my school and they magically had dorm housing (they don’t because there is only one dorm and it houses 100 people). Doing any of that would probably push my mom to cut me off. I am not ready to be financially independent at this moment in time. Maybe I’ll work harder on becoming so during the school year, but I can’t do anything that would potentially jeopardize my ability to get back to school. Once I am there, then I can figure out how to handle this situation to prevent it from happening again.

No, I don’t want to be here and yes, I do want to leave. If I could see absolutely anything I could do to escape being here without completely ruining myself financially and thus impeding my ability to get home, I would be long gone. I can’t do that at this moment. I am working on trying to figure out how to not come back here. I’ve already arranged that I’m not coming back for thanksgiving and I’m already looking for work for over winter break. I found one of my old acquaintances from high school and convinced her to physically drive me to my best friend from high school's work so I could get her to respond to me and help me get out of this house. Don’t accuse me of not trying.

If she did physically attack me, there is little to no warning and I know I would respond by either running away or beating the crap out of her. I don’t think I would have time to threaten her with calling the cops. Plus, it actually hasn’t gotten close to being that bad for about two weeks. Most of this is in my head because I’m afraid of it happening. She also works over 40 hours a week and keeps herself busy with endless errands and various other house jobs. I have very little idea when she will decide that I am the target of the day. She’s not on me 24/7. I only talk about the things that bother me/scare me on here because talking about the other stuff would just be me talking the games I’m playing, the music I’m working on, the political/moral issues I’m thinking about, or just talking about feeling nothing. None of that is interesting.

I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. Sympathy is nothing to me. At a minimum, I’d prefer empathy so I can feel slightly less alone in the universe. But certainly not sympathy. When I think of sympathy, I imagine feeling sorry for a family that is losing their child to cancer and is helpless to fight it. I am not helpless to fight this and I am actively fighting it even if you can’t see it online. She gets in my face and I’ll get in hers. I’ll scream right back at her, I’ll intimidate her and get her to leave me alone because I am bigger and I can scare her. It hurts me to do that for some reason. Every time I have to get in her face and scare her into leaving me alone, I spend the rest of the night crying and I don’t know why. If I just start doing that all the time, it makes the entire house even more hostile than it already is because screaming at her only results in more screaming. I only do that when I feel like she is being aggressive and I absolutely have to protect myself. If she’s just sitting there talking to me in a calm voice even if she is saying the most demeaning things ever, it’s so much better than turning the whole house into a constant screaming match. Even though my mom won’t be responsible enough to prevent that kind of fighting from happening in front of my 12 year old brother, I am also an adult and it takes two to fight. I’m not just going to fly off the handle and act like an animal at the drop of the hat. I have to pick and choose when I will fight with her and to be honest, a lot of it is a waste of time because I know there is nothing I can say to change her mind.