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Thank you to all who can provide feedback. It really helps.
Husband tells me that one of his work girl friends (the younger sister that I posted about earlier in “Is he forcing me to divorce him?”) is a closet oxy addict for the last 6-8 years. He is the only person that she has ever told. Also, more recently, she found out that she was molested for years by her older brother. The addiction was causing her to bury these terrible memories and she found out through a family member who had admitted the same thing had happened to her. This friend is suffering – and I have a great understanding and respect for what she is going through. My husband wanted my opinion on the matter. I told him that she is not in a position to make healthy male relationships right now because of her addiction and her need to address her experiences. Until she is clean and going through therapy… then I would be confident she could hold a healthy friendship with him. But, the fact is right now, she cannot. I am not saying that their friendship isn’t real… I am saying it is not healthy. I am not judging or disrespecting her in any way when I say this… I am just not the type of girl who befriends a married man with children to confess all of my secrets to him and only him. I asked him then if he thinks that she has feelings for him that go beyond friendship and he said yes. I repeated how I felt that his friendship with her is actually hurting her in the long run and affecting our marriage. I asked him to reverse the roles… if I was the one with a single male friend placing so much on me. He said that he didn’t think it would be right or good for our marriage and that he would not be comfortable. I asked him if he has feelings for her that go beyond friendship and he said that he does feel protective over her because she is in a life/death situation due to her addiction. I told him that I understand the situation he is in and that he will eventually have to tell her how unfair it is for her to be putting him in this position. I cautioned him that there may be a trap waiting for him here, also… that could endanger our relationship.
I, myself was molested by a brother, raped by a friend of his, molested by a friend of his and also molested by a boy at school. I have come to terms with these things from my past and healed as much as anyone can. It was a very difficult process – but I got through it. However, I have never had an addiction (let alone a secret one) to also contend with. This girl has some BIG issues. She is a nice girl… just not the type of person I am attracted to for a friendship.
So – I need some advice about this.
That situation aside…
Husband and I have decided to take time away from each other. I have laid out some ground rules and requirements… like he needs to give certain amount of money, spend time with children, spend quality time as a family, spend time with me, etc. He will stay with a guy friend. He will take children over night once a month and try to take them during week on days off to save $ on daycare.
He says that the time away will help him heal from the pain that he went through while I was so sick with Post Partum. He says he wants me to also realize with his absence that he did not actually abandon me. I don’t quite understand this… because it seems he is still leaving me to deal with most everything… so to get over those feelings, I will really have to make sure that he fulfills his end of the bargain on this “time apart / separation situation.” He did say that he wants me to use the time to heal from feeling like he abandoned me… to give me the chance to let him do his part. I don’t know.
So yah… I need some advice on this too.
Thanks!
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