I'm sorry you are hurting so much. It's good to vent sometimes. All you describe in your post could be symptoms of depression. I hope you have a doctor you can trust that you can tell about these things. If you are on medication, sometimes it takes time to work, and sometimes it takes time to find the right drug(s), and dosage. Don't give up! I've been where you are and you can get better. Feel free to pm if you need to.