evaluating, over evaluating... monitoring oneself always...
clueing people in to where you are at, emotionally and moodwise....
whether on the upswing or downswing.... or stable even

I know that being caught unprepared in a manic state can really hurt someone. I know that. But I don't get full mania. So for me... what's the big deal really?

I mean, my wife has been bugging me to share more about where I am at. I usually just deal with whatever and make sure that there is no impact on the family or those around me. I'm good at that. But, what good would it do to point out to her that my cycle is on the downswing? There's nothing I can do about it... and her knowing about it would make it that much harder to minimize and/or eliminate the effect that it has on those around me. So it's my thinking to think, "what's the point?"

honestly, I don't even think I'm honest with myself about where I am at most of the time. I know how to play the game! that is my focus. I know how to handle being hypo and not letting people on to the fact. Same with depression. that one is much harder to hide, but during those weeks I do a pretty damn impressive job nonetheless.

I know that if I were to examine every mood shift that I had during the day I would drive myself crazy. It used to scare me feeling the shifts once I knew what to look for. I don't like feeling sick. I do feel sick when I open up and let someone in though.

It's like it makes it real. In my mind, it's all just a big game. A game of how much I can not let on that there is a problem.

I take this game very seriously.

Does anyone else relate to this? Are you pretty open now? Or is ignorance still bliss?