I did NOT miss you. I thought I'd get away with a nice mellow hypomania but no, you had to come in and ruin in. Now I know I'm almost at full blown mania and it sucks. How quickly you turn into a b1tch. I thought we could be friends but you stabbed me in the back again.

Now I just have to stay out of the hospital long enough for the trileptal to work.

i feel like raging around my house still but i took my klonopin so i am calmer. it was so stupid too - my husband snapped at me for something dumb i did and i just lost it. i didn't lose it on him but i was b*tchy and irritable the rest of the night, yelling at him for stuff that wasn't necessary.

sometimes i feel like this isn't even real, like i'm not even real, like is this real life or am i someone else? that's when i get scared. when i'm so high i can't even see who i really am. i freaked out inside at dinner today because i felt like i couldn't see anything for what it was. i mean literally see anything. i couldn't drive because the car didn't feel real and i couldn't make sense of the other cars on the road. my husband had to take over.

we had a family session today with my therapist and my husband found out i stopped the abilify on my own without picking up the trileptal and he was rightfully upset. but i just raged at him. i felt like punching the car window out. i wanted to lose my ***** in a store when someone looked at me the wrong way and there was no way i was dealing with our toddler on my own. thankfully it was bedtime by the time i got home.

man i just don't like mania. i like hypo. but i don't like the weird delusions that come with the mania for me. i'm at least coherent now from the klonopin. this is what i get for playing around with my meds on my own. i guess this has really reinforced for me that i do actually have bipolar. i've been doubting because i was depressed for months on abilify but obviously if i don't take it i go manic.

i've been a bad girl, refusing to use DBT skills because i've felt so good i didn't think i needed them, but i do. i have to figure out how to get back on track and use the skills when i get rageful like this because it's not fair to my family to keep being hospitalized. thankfully the goal of the program is to keep you out of the hospital so hopefully when i see the pdoc next week they won't put me in. i don't think they will if i can just control myself and my stupid mouth. that's what always gets me in trouble; my blunt honesty with the doctors. but i figure i spent years and years lying and never got any help so i might as well be honest now.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh i need hugs people. thanks in advance.