Hello. I just want to clarify why I have all these problems with confidence, I don't know what to believe anymore.
I've always wanted to get rid of being unstable emotionally, but it seems to get even worse day by day. When I think it's alright dad seems to see only my flaws and I feel insecure around him. I'm constantly thinking that I don't do enough. Could it be because when I was little he told me that I was somehow average ( and retarded) kid? Now he tells me that I've had the most simple life somebody could ask for, that he always gave me pieces of advice, that only what he thinks is good and what I think about life is not as excellent as his ideas.
I'm somehow shy when I meet people, but only for a few minutes. I always fear that I might end up like a totally useless person who doesn't deserve to be on this planet. I , many times, wonder why was I born anyway and things like that.
I want to make it better, but it all collapses in my face.
I've finished the first year of college, I might also get a scholarship but my dad always tells me "you could've done much better". He always gives me examples of girls who are like the perfection I can never touch in my whole life. I start hating the girls because of what she's talking about them, but they are pretty normal people.
Even when some people make me compliments, I just find it strange that they're not mocking me and I tell them to be serious about it. I pretty much underestimate myself as much as I can. I don't even know why am I doing this. I only wish I could stop it. It seems that I'm destroying myself somehow.
I always think that people around me look at my flaws and can't wait to find a great moment to start laughing at me. That happened in many years of school and high-school. I am the type of person who doesn't fit in many places.
I only found a comfort in music, but even there my father keeps interfering and tells me I don't do enough, but doesn't have experience and doesn't give me any suggestions.
So...any ideas of what I can do to improve at least a part of all this?
Thank you.