I don't think you suck, at all, and you don't have anything to apologize for. I think your English is fantastic. And I think you are a very sensitive and compassionate person, and a very analytical one, and I don't blame you for feeling paranoid and overwhelmed.
These are exactly the kinds of things that go through my mind constantly. I can't even help it anymore. I just have to distract myself when it happens. I have periods that are okay, where I can go on with my life more or less without the ball and chain of panic following me around because I don't know what is real and nothing makes any sense and everything is ****ed and I don't want to be part of such a corrupt world anyway. SO MUCH of what you wrote in this post makes so much sense to me because I live it. Everyday. Just as you describe your own life, know that someone halfway across the world (Canada) can relate 100% to what you are going through.
I don't understand the way the world works. I get angry and frustrated because it feels like everything good in it is milked dry or plundered, and everything bad and outrageous is amplified, glorified, and certainly televised. I don't get why things are this way, how they got this way, and what the purpose is of me being here, or what I am going to do with my time here.
I have been diagnosed with OCD and dissociative disorder, and depressive disorder, among other things. I believe these things may amplify some of the thoughts and experiences I have, but I am also a bit radical in that I think I am also a product of this society. We are shaped by our environments. Yes, we have free will. Yes, we can choose our own path. To an extent. I don't even really believe that's true in most cases. I believe we can choose our own behavior, and even then it's dependent on whether we are getting our basic needs met which, let's face it, most people aren't. And it's only getting worse.
So I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. In fact, if it's any consolation, you may be one of the people in this world who sees it for what it is.