thanks to all of you and your responses, its difficult for sure, and i guess greif is something i personally havent ever understood nor accepted-when i lose somebody or something i almost throw myself right into denial and want to put everything right back to how it was or *should* be in my eyes, which of course is a control issue im sure... maybe someday ill figure out acceptance and moving on and change, but i sure know that as of now, in my life, i have not yet reached that point of being able to let go of control (EVEN when it fails me) my biggest thing is i need to learn and understand (easier said than done) that i can only control MYSELF and MY LIFE, not anyone else's no matter what- i guess i need to let go of my sense of failure and realize its NOT my FAULT if life doesnt turn out the way i feel it *should*....its not a bowl of cherries right?!