I found that my anti-depressant helped re-store my sleeping pattern. Also when my T would suggest to me a more positive way to see something, I couldn't seem to process it when I didn't have the anti-depressant. I would sit there and stare at her with a blank look. I had to fight like crazy to get my mind to even produce a positive thought. My inner-T that was taught to me by a psychologist in my college days went off-line. I could force it to work some. But, I couldn't get a reality test off the ground while at work once. I knew that the negative thinking was distorted and couldn't argue with it and cried. I would see that it is beutiful out and tell myself so. I'd respond with "who cares." This irritated me. It was like, "Tracy, look at the sunny sky. It's a wonderful day." But I couldn't get myself to enjoy it. I sometimes felt like I had the job of caring for a two year old-namely me. I was like a two year old. "Mommy, give me something to do." "Hey, stop starring at the wall. It's time to do the dishes." "Okey, can you like move?" "Sure. I'll blink my eyes." The sleeping problem is horrible. "AAAA. Why can't I go back to sleep? Why won't you shut up mind?" "Yak. Yak. Yak..."
Grief includes sleeping problems at times too. I suspect the starring at the wall or ceiling is different. I have also seen some interesting pictures of a much less active brain when depressed. Frankly, I believe it. When I stared at the walls, it seemed like my brain was working really weird. The only thing weirder was when I was trying to answer a costumer's question and had to stop talking to let my brain catch up with my mouth. It made me think of my thoughts passing through quick sand. It seemed like something was slowing my thinking process down. It scared me. In the middle of the night, I'd wake up and have some pretty strange fears. I don't know if that is related but depression is not just crying a lot. It is trouble sleeping, crying, starring at the wall or ceiling when you should be moving you butt somewhere, anywhere. The lack of energy is just terrible. I cried at the end of the night from mental exhaustion. I like my anti-depressant. I tried to fight taking an anti-depressant. But, my T hen pecked me to peices about it. I am glad she did because I was resolving issues and still starring at the walls. I don't think I would have been able to get through this quarter without the extra energy and focus that the anti-depressant gives me. I suspect that anti-depressants are over used. However, in my case, I think it was the right move because I tried therapy for atleast six months before even talking to a pyschiatrist. (I AM SCARED OF DRUGS.) But, I must admit, I like sleeping for four hours and then waking up to go to bathroom. Then waking up a little before the alarm goes off with no "yak yak Yak..." from my noising brain. I also like the feeling of being able to connect with my counselor and others. It is hard to talk to a counselor for an hour sometimes when your focus wants to go whereever it goes. I had that if I went for a month without seeing the counselor. So I ruined a session by trying to focus on her while she talked. "I can't seem to focus." It made me think of a clif between us. She was on one side and I was on the other side. I couldn't seem to focus on this distant figure talking to me. I like my time with T better with an anti-depressant.