The cause of my addiction to sex and alcohol is still unknown to me. I think and look back why I did those things but until now it's all unclear. One reason I can think of is that maybe because I was used by my ex-bf whom I trusted and loved. But at that time, I wasn't that in love with him (the first time we had sex and after that I've never heard of him). I tried to reconcile but he won't speak to me so I just moved on but honestly I felt used and hurt.

Another is that, growing up I was the laughing stock. My classmates in high school bullied me because I'm not pretty. I don't have suitors, never got love letters or flowers from guys. But not until college that I started dressing up and looked good. Guys are actually noticing and flirting with me. Eventually I gained confidence but I'm still very conscious and insecure.

It came to the point that I don't want to be in serious relationships. I have **** buddies, became a party girl, tried smoking weed, drank hard liquors until I blacked out. I lost control and focus in myself.

But the good thing is that right now I stopped doing it. I dont know how I did it but I'm now trying to gain control of my life again. Maybe because I have a loving family that I feel I dont even deserve to have them. They are the best.

I stopped seeing my friends and totally withdrawn myself that wont do me any good. I just wanted to live the good life that I had before.

Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself why I did those things. And sometimes I have the sudden urge of doing it again. I'm still recovering though.